Beginning Again is Not Starting Over

Recently, I read a book by Austin Kleon titled, “Show Your Work.”  The book speaks about being an artist, finding your voice and then finding the appropriate medium to get your work distributed and into the world.  One point really stood out to me and that was the section on taking a break and then getting back into the work.  As we all know I quit serious photography almost 3 years ago.  I’ve given multiple attempts to get back to my work but each attempt has fallen flat.  I’ve lacked motivation, I’ve lacked passion, I’ve lacked creativity and honestly I’ve lacked the proper mindset.  Really, though, I think I’ve just been approaching the return with the wrong mentality.  

Each time I’ve returned behind the lens I’ve assumed I was starting over.  Technically, I wasn’t!  I can’t unlearn the craft I know, I can’t un-shoot all the photos I’ve taken before and I can’t change the way my voice has emerged.  I think this disconnect in my mind has failed my attempts from the beginning.  Now that I’ve shifted my perspective from starting over to beginning again I feel less frustrated.  The task of returning to my work feels less daunting.  I also feel like I have nothing to prove to anyone except myself.  This new shift in my perspective has been the breath of fresh air I’ve been searching for.  

The last few weeks I’ve been incredibly motivated to get back to work.  I’ve lined up a studio to work in through all of 2015, I went through all the work I’ve created in the last year that is representative of what I want to be shooting and I created a new working portfolio.  This is the first new portfolio I’ve made in 5 years and I’m extremely proud of the collection of work I have to display.  For the first time I’m willing to stand behind the photos I’m showing.  Again, this is extremely motivating and completely fulfilling on a personal level.  It is bringing me joy to see my work as it has evolved and where it is going.  

2014 was an interesting year.  I lived, I learned, I loved and I did a lot of experimenting.  I failed many times and in reflection, I think I have finally found the person I’m supposed to be.  Creating art is much more authentic when it comes from someone who has had experiences, someone who can learn from those experiences and use the soul of their character to create.  This lesson has been hard to learn, it has taken me a long time but I think I finally understand.  

I’m honestly looking forward to the approach of 2015.  Having learned about myself, who I am and what I want from life, it is finally me who decides how my life unfolds.  I’m the one steering my ship and I finally have a grasp of where I want to go.  I have great aspirations for the coming year and I hope you’ll continue to follow along as these dreams turn to goals which turn to successful accomplishments.  It is going to be a wild ride, fasten your seat belts and lets get this adventure underway!

The Long, Hard, Painful, Suckfilled, Beer-Fueled, Depressing Road to Vision

Six years ago I bought a Nikon 40D 8.1 megapixel camera from Circuit City.  The camera came with a 28-55mm f3.5-f5.6 lens and a 55-200mm f/5.6-f/7.1 lens.  I took my new purchase home, charged the batteries, loaded the body with my 2GB sd card and I was out to make art.  I quickly realized I had no clue how to operate a camera.  F-stop?  Is that the fancy new truck stop on Interstate 81 near the Wal Mart?  My second purchase with my trusty new camera was an introduction to photography class at the local community college. 

My photography class was taught by a retired National Geographic photographer who lives in my area.  I quickly fell in lust and love with photography.  I absorbed everything I could put infront of myself having to do with the camera, the image and photography as a whole.  I knew I was going to be the greatest photographer to ever grace this earth!  I was going to make art.  I was going to set the world ablaze when this upstart photographer from Maryland burst upon the photography industry.  I was going to be the next Avedon, or Newman or at the very least the next Heisler. 

By Richard Avedon

By Arnold Newman

By Greg Heisler

Like all great, new aspiring photographers I wasn't going to give my gift of the image away for free!  "Hah, this genius doesn't work for free, you must be kidding me!"  So my third purchase with my trusty new camera was a pack of 1000 business cards for $8 from an online printing establishment.  In my mind I had achieved the goal of all amatuer photographer, I was professional!  PROFESSIONAL!  If anyone questioned my professional status, my stock and standard professional photographer business card handled the issue of my professionalism for me.  "Look, my business card says professional!" 

Three months, 8.1 megapixels, 6 weeks of instruction and $8 later I was taking on clients.  I booked my first "professional," family photo shoot for a Saturday morning at 11am.  Has anyone seen the light at 11am on a Saturday morning in a park with no shade?  My professional career was off to a blazing success right out of the starting gate.  "That'll be $75 dollars for your professional photos from this professional shoot.  Thank you."  My inflated ego built on low self-esteem and stupidity happily handed over some crap hidden as .jpegs on a CD and I went blindly on my way to find more victims to disappoint with my professionalism.

Truthfully I was trying to do my best but I just didn't have the skill or the talent to pull of quality photos, yet.  I was trying to be Avedon, Newman or Heisler but I couldn't make it happen.  If I was shooting my arrow for the stars it was still sticking to the bow when I let go of the string.  Thankfully I knew I still needed work but that didn't stop this professional photographer from still charging for photos.  Professionals don't work for free.

Eventually my photos improved - a little.  I learned to light.  I studied photography like it contained the cure for a disease I had contracted.  I still had aspirations.  Somehow I caught the attention of a talent agency who had clients from Baltimore to New York.  I was going to photograph headshots and commercial photos for talent clients.  My ego soared to new heights, I got new business cards printed, I got a studio, I got a sign and I even got a camera strap with my logo printed on it!  This guy from Maryland was going to take New York by storm!  I also charged and made more money for mediocre photos than I'd like to admit.  Honestly, I'm ashamed to admit, if I'm being honest.

My office in my studio

I wasn't kidding about the camera strap

Working making Meh

Again, I'm aiming for the stars but falling short.  At least by this point the arrow was getting off the string and it was getting some travel.  The downside, I still wasn't ready for what I was trying to photograph.  I had set out to create iconic portraits and here I was pretending to be a fashion photographer.  I chose the last photo of me shooting in the studio for a reason.  I was shooting beauty photos but didn't know how to edit beauty photos.  Problem #1.  Problem #2, I was trying to work in an industry, fashion, without knowing anything about fashion.  I was wearing a football jersey for fucks sake!!!  Its never bad to work with beautiful women all day, actually its pretty awesome to photograph hot, beautiful women all day.  The only perk of this photo work was hanging out with hot chicks.  End of story.  Aside from the women, I sucked!  I sucked at pulling the right expressions, I sucked at post processing and I honestly felt like a lying, faking failure.  I started to dread making photos.  I used to dread opening my email.  I used to dread seeing a photoshoot on my schedule.  I just knew I was going to suck and take money for something that was going to suck!  I also started to drink, a lot.  I started to eat, a lot.  I was depressed, a lot.  I hated everything, a lot.  Here an example of what I was making:

Definitely not Avedon, Newman or Heisler.  Its lit well, its got potential but its not what makes me happy in the realm of photography.  Eventually I knew I had to quit.  I took the money from my last photo shoot, wrote a check and mailed it back to my last client.  I included a note:  "Sorry if I wasted your time.  Here is your money back.  I quit photography and won't be processing your photos.  Please go find a real photographer."  I took the key to my studio back that night.  I packed up all my equipment, paid my last months rent and closed my studio immediately.  I was finished with photography.  Thankfully my friend and assitant Nick talked me out of putting my gear on Ebay the next day. 

Speaking of my assistant - yeah, I had a paid assistant.  If you followed me on my social media, I WAS what Zack Arias calls, "Johnny Photographer."  I had a crazy hair cut, I had "hip," photos with my make-up artists, I had photos in cool places doing awesome stuff and I had selfies...oh did I have selfies.  I had created a huge stinking, painful lie.  These photos still kill a part of my soul.

My assistant and friend Nick - He kept me sane



 After I closed up shop and quit photography I got more depressed.  Now I know I was depressed, I just didn't know it at the time.  I couldn't do anything but go to my job, come home, drink beer, eat freezer pizza and watch television.  I never used to do any of those things.  I wallowed in the feeling of failure as a photographer and being something I wasn't.  I got fat.  No, I got FAT!  Almost 300lbs fat.  Actually, you can see my face getting fat in the photos above. 

A year after failing at photos I went to the doctor.  I had high blood pressure, I was overweight and I had high cholesterol.  I needed to change.  So I got healthy!  I lost weight, became active and forgave myself for being a horrible, fake photographer!  I quit drinking and started running.  I quit going to the drive thru and started going to the grocery store.  I bought a little box of magic!  Enter, the Fuji X-100.

I knew Zack Arias loved this camera and I loved the street photo images he was making with it.  I also liked the concept of street photography.  No clients, no expectations and no money to charge.  I could do photos for the love of photos!  I got my X-100, set it up just as Zack prescibed and I unleashed myself on the street.  The first photos I took with the X-100 were while on vacation with my family in Ocean City, Maryland.  I was instantly hooked on the X-100, instantly hooked on street photography and I felt a connection to making photos again, finally!

Made with X-100

Made with X-100

I got home from vacation and I unpacked my photography equipment.  I started thinking about ways to make photos without having to charge money or take on clients.  I wanted to make photos and grow my vision without needing to interact.  I wasn't ready for that type of photography yet.  My idea was to shoot sports.  I bought some new quipment, a camera with a higher frame rate per second, a 300mm f/2.8 lens and some think tank belt system stuff.  I was going to parlay my love of sports into photography.  Problem, try as I may I couldn't get close to any local sports teams.  Solution, buy tickets and try to sneak into photo areas!  I had pretended to be a fashion photographer for money, I could pretend to be a sports photographer for free and thats exactly what I did!  The best I did was at the Hall of Fame Induction in 2013.  I managed to photograph two of my favorite sports portraits when I snuck inside "the ropes." 



Jonathan Ogden 2013 NFL Hall of Fame Induction



Warren Sapp 2013 NFL Hall of Fame Induction

When I saw these photos I knew I had stumbled onto something that made me happy, finally!  I just had to think of more ways to come up with a way to grow as a photographer and to do it for free.  I came up with the idea to start shooting portraits of my friends and to use those portraits to improve my skills to light, my skills to post process and my skills to put concepts into motion.  I wanted to start planning shoots and put timelines, deadlines and projects together for myself.  The best example of this time in my photogrpahy was this halloween card shoot I put together.  I used my friend and a trip to the Eastern State Prison in Philidelphia to put together my first high photoshop composit project.

This photo and my six year journey has brought me back to photography.  Today, I love photography again!  I have learned a lot about photography and about myself on this path.  The biggest and most important advice I can give any beginning photographer is to do this for love and not a paycheck.  Don't make the mistake of chasing the dollar, chase the image.  The skills you can learn by chasing the image will help you be successful for the long term.  You can skip the self loathing step and go to the vision step.  Pass go and collect some awesome talent along the way.

So where am I today.  Today I'm at a point where I think I understand my vision.  I have been working on a personal project for all of 2014.  I have recently become an endurance athlete racing long distance running events and triathlons.  I'm mixing my love of both endurance sports and photography into one big portrait project with emphasis on the local athletes in my area.  I'm having a lot of fun, I'm making a lot of new friends and I'm making some kick ass images!  I'm also doing this project totally for free.  Yes, I haven't made a dollar, not a single $1 off of photography since 2012.  I'm doing this for love.  I'm doing this because my soul feels better making images and my life is better with a camera in my hand.  I love the final image.  Nothing makes my heart beat like the click of the shutter button.  One day I might take on client work again but for right now I love what I'm making.  I like making the images I see and not what someone else wants. 

I'm going to start writing about my personal portrait project.  I'm going to do a few follow up blog posts and finally show the world what I've been making.  I hope you'll keep following along on my journey.  We might all be able to learn something.  Check back this week as I'll be posting the first of many blogs about my portrait project!!! 

Thank you!

Like a Phoenix

Henri Cartier-Bresson said, “Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst,” so I’d like to think my first go-round with photography got the shitty 10,000 images out of my way.  Truth is, I love photography.  I love to look at images, I could stare at photos all day everyday in an effort to figure out what excites my brain about certain images.  The other truth is I lost my drive to make my own photos a few years ago.  Spending days on end shooting a bunch of crap photos just for the money is the quickest way to hate a camera.  Trust me, I know.  I used to shoot professionally in an arena that offered me no sense of self-fulfillment. (I know, woe is me, my job making money with a camera didn’t heal my soul, some of you want to beat me with chains right now and thats ok.)  I had no passion for the images I was making and it took a toll on me both mentally and physically.  Ultimately I ended up depressed, burned-out, fat and miserable.  I walked away from photography in February 2012 and I went on a year plus self loathing bender.  

Finally, in the fall of 2012 a friend of mine helped me get my life back on track.  Through hard work and dedication to a goal I got healthy again, I started running and I took back control of my life.  Nothing is as empowering as the feeling of getting yourself healthy and happy!  Although, I still hadn’t had the urge to pick up a camera in over a year.  

Enter the year 2014!  After almost two years of not making any photos or even having the urge to look at my camera, my passion started to return.  Slowly I started thinking about a personal project to get me back into the world of photography.  My direction is simple, I’m doing a personal portrait project highlighting endurance athletes.  My main subject matter is ultra-marathoners and triathletes though interesting characters are always welcome!  

So far I’ve been back to thinking about and making my own photos for over a month.  I’ve shot three sets of photos and I just attended Photoshop World in Atlanta.  I’m finally lusting with the camera again, images are once more enriching my life instead of sucking out my soul.  I’m really looking forward to getting back on the path to image making!  I hope a renewed spirit with an open mind and a more seasoned understanding of the craft can mesh into my vision!